May. 10, 2006 - 6:53 p.m.

Hooray!! The sun is shining!! About bloody time and all! I can feel my winter induced depression slowly melting away as the days get warmer. And now that I�m living in the countryside I get to spend my days gazing at butterflies flowers and fluffy lambykins, ahh, sounds like a Disney movie, doesn't it?

Unfortunately though, being Britain, there are some less attractive views on offer during the summer months.

As our summer is somewhat short lived over here, us Brits grasp it with both hands when it arrives, and are very reluctant to let it go again. Cue lots of half naked people. Yep, you can bet that today, beer gardens all over the UK were crammed to bursting with sunburned hairy beer bellies and young girls in skimpy outfits. All is well and good while the sun is blazing - lets face it, there aren�t many sunbathing opportunities so you grab whatever window you can - but seriously, sometimes there�s more flesh on display than a Fifty Cent Video!

Now I�m all for getting a tan (admittedly, you're more likely to see my bikini on the beach than down the Dog & Duck, but each to their own) but as soon as the sun goes in (a rather regular occurrence in the UK) that�s it for me, I�m back indoors and next to a log fire quicker than you can say "corned beef legs"! You've gotta hand it to the rest of my country fellows though; they sure are hardcore sun seekers. A bit of a cloudy spell wont deter them, no way. They'll sit it out. The sun will be back out soon enough, you'll see. What other nation would hold barbeques in the pouring rain?!

Being in the middle of nowhere, we employ our staff through an agency, meaning most of them are travellers from Australia, South Africa and such other sun-baked countries. One evening I came down to work to find them in absolute hysterics. The cause of such hilarity? They were watching our customers chase the sun inch by inch across the lawn as the sun went down.

While I can understand their desperation to cling on to what little sunshine we have, I would like to offer this advice. Try investing in a lightweight summer jacket. Brown flesh looks great, purple flesh does not! Oh, and in the words of Baz Luhrmann, Don't forget the sunscreen!

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Kiki Martini in no way advocates drink driving, binge drinking or anti social drunken behaviour. Drink responsibly kids!